In case anyone reading around here was still somehow under the illusion that I’m a perfect mom, with a perfect plan, and I’m just bootstrapping it right through this Postpartum Anxiety blip, well, today is here to dispel that illusion for you.
Frankly, today sucks. It sucks so hard that I seriously almost lost it when Happy Daddy had to go to work, because I know how irritable, overwhelmed, and emotional I’m going to be today. I’m hormonal, I’m exhausted, and my anxiety has me feeling like I’m going to jump right out of my skin. I need very much to exhaust myself by some sort of physical activity before bedtime tonight, and I will probably go on a cleaning rampage within the next two hours. Which is actually probably a good thing, as I have a major event at the house next week, and while my postpartum anxiety/ocd keep the house pretty clean on a daily basis, they also amp up and start seeing imaginary dirt anytime we have people over. Out, damn spot!
I just can’t. I can’t even. I can’t focus, I can’t be patient, I can’t be fun, or crafty, or a prolific wordsmith, or even a particularly nice person to be around right now. I can’t plan past the next 15 minutes because my head is spinning. I can’t get dressed, because the clothes are irritating my skin. I can’t deal with the tv, or the music, or provide witty conversation, or words that are nice, or engaging, or stimulating. I just can’t.
I can do this:
I can hold my baby. I can soak in another’s words to help me remember all the strength I have. I can snuggle my big kid. I can borrow Robert Louis Stevenson’s words and escape reality with the Geekling. I can, just for this one day, just let it all go. Nobody has to get dressed. Nobody has to eat a gourmet meal. Nobody has to do anything but survive this day, and love each other. Just six more hours until bedtime.
That I can do.